I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My cat gives me a boner
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
