i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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