I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Two words: nipple clamps
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