my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
