It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
a search helicopter?!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Why are your pants in the freezer?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
