I could have mohawked her pubes.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
