You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize