I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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