at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
