He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
