I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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