she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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