Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
