My room smells like vodka and shame
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
