I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
