Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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