just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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