I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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