U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
