he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
