How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
