Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
