did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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