i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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