So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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