Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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