When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
