Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
