Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
