Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
