Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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