No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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