my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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