my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
