Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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