There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
