His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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