if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
