i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
