if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
