but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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