I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
True strength comes from lack of pants
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
