Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
