I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize