pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
