I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
