i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
