I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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