I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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