Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize