sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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