The maid of honor just puked.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
