Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
