Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
