Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
