I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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