Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
